Spiral

The Spiral

Change the Pattern, Change the Result

To my descendants,

There is a popular saying that I have heard many times: “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” It is commonly attributed to Albert Einstein and is often described as his definition of insanity. But Einstein almost certainly did not say it.

There is no reliable evidence for the attribution. Similar versions appeared in the twentieth century, including the work of sociologist William Bruce Cameron, recovery literature, and later popular writing; Einstein's name became attached to it afterwards. I think this correction itself teaches us something.

Do not repeat something merely because everybody repeats it. Examine it. Check it. Think about it. Even a quotation about the foolishness of repeating things can itself be repeated incorrectly for decades. There is a certain irony in that.

But whether Einstein said it or not, the principle behind the saying is worth examining deeply. If I repeatedly do something in the same way, under substantially similar conditions, and repeatedly receive an undesirable result, it would be unreasonable for me simply to continue indefinitely while insisting:

“Next time everything will be different.” Something must be examined. Perhaps the method. Perhaps the timing. Perhaps the environment. Perhaps the people involved. Perhaps my assumptions. Perhaps my own behaviour. And sometimes, most interestingly, perhaps nothing outside needs to change immediately. Perhaps the interpretation inside me needs to change. That too can transform the result.

The Problem Is Not Repetition

First, I must make something clear. Repetition itself is not foolish. Much of what I have written in these pages depends upon repetition. Discipline requires repetition. Learning requires repetition. A pianist repeats scales. A photographer repeatedly observes light. A writer repeatedly writes. A yogi returns to practice. An athlete repeats a movement thousands of times. So the problem is not repetition.

The problem is: unconscious repetition without reflection. There are two very different kinds of repetition.

The first is: Repeat → Observe → Adjust → Improve. That is practice.

The second is: Repeat → Fail → Blame → Repeat exactly the same thing.

That is stagnation. Therefore I would never tell you: “Do not repeat.” I would tell you: Do not repeat blindly.

A Circle and a Spiral

I like to imagine this as the difference between a circle and a spiral. A circle returns to exactly where it began. Around. Around. Around. Movement occurs. But there is no development.

A spiral also returns. But each return occurs at another level. You encounter something familiar again, but you are no longer exactly the same person encountering it. This, I think, is a much better image for life.

We do not encounter anger only once. Or jealousy once. Or love once. Or failure once. Or disappointment once. Or questions about family once. Life brings many of the same themes back to us. Again. And again. But each time we have an opportunity to understand the situation more deeply.

Then what appears to be repetition becomes development. Circle: repeat. Spiral: return, understand, adjust, rise. 

The Same Argument Twenty Years Later

Suppose at thirty years old someone criticises you. Immediately you become angry. You defend yourself. You attack the other person. You spend three days thinking about it.

At forty, the same sort of criticism occurs. You still become angry. But later that evening you reflect: “Why did that affect me so much?”

At fifty, somebody criticises you again. This time you think: “There may be ten per cent truth in what he said.”

At sixty, you can hear criticism and ask: “Which part is useful?” The criticism may appear similar. But the person receiving it has changed.

You have travelled around the same subject several times. But you are not travelling in a circle. You are travelling in a spiral. That is growth. 

Confucius — The Real Mistake Is Refusing to Correct It

Confucius gives us a very simple but powerful line: 「過而不改，是謂過矣。」 To make a mistake and fail to correct it — that is truly the mistake. I find this remarkably humane. Confucius does not require you never to make mistakes. That would be impossible. Everybody makes mistakes. The important question is: What happens after the mistake?

Do you learn? Do you correct? Do you examine? Do you change? The first mistake may come from ignorance. But after ten identical mistakes, something else is happening. Perhaps pride. Perhaps laziness. Perhaps fear. Perhaps habit. Perhaps unwillingness to examine yourself. This is why reflection is so important. 

The Book of Changes — When You Reach an Impasse, Change

The Book of Changes gives us another magnificent sequence: 「窮則變，變則通，通則久。」 When circumstances reach an impasse, change follows; through change comes passage, and through passage comes continuity. I find this deeper than the popular Einstein saying. The Yi Jing does not treat change as something unfortunate that happens occasionally. Change is fundamental. Things develop. Conditions shift. Something reaches its limit. Then another configuration becomes necessary. 窮則變。

When the existing way is exhausted, change. Not necessarily everything. But something. A method. A relationship. A direction. An assumption. A strategy. A habit. A perspective. Then: 變則通。

Change can create passage. The blocked channel opens again. This fits beautifully with what I wrote earlier about rivers. When the old channel no longer works, water finds another course.  “This Is Just Who I Am” One sentence I think you should be very careful with is: “This is just who I am.” Sometimes it is harmless. Perhaps you genuinely prefer tea to coffee. Perhaps you enjoy solitude. Perhaps you naturally wake early. Fine.

But sometimes “this is who I am” is being used to protect something that should be examined. “I always lose my temper. That's just me.” “I don't listen to people. That's my personality.” “I am always late.” “I cannot learn technology.” “I am not a reader.” “I am bad with money.” “I don't apologise.” “This is how I speak.” “I've always been like this.”

Be careful. A repeated behaviour can eventually feel like an identity. But habit and identity are not necessarily the same thing. Perhaps a more accurate sentence would be: “This is what I have repeatedly practised.” And if it has been practised, perhaps something else can also be practised. 

Do Not Turn Your History Into Your Destiny

There is a huge psychological difference between saying: “I am an impatient person.” and: “I notice that I often become impatient.” The first sounds permanent. The second sounds observable. Once something becomes observable, it becomes possible to examine it. Why do I become impatient? When? With whom? When I am tired? When I feel ignored? When I am frightened of losing control? When somebody challenges my authority?

Now there is somewhere to begin. This is why I would tell you: Know your patterns, but do not worship your patterns. Your history explains something about you. It does not necessarily dictate everything you must become. 

Buddhism — Conditions Produce Conditions

Buddhist philosophy is extremely powerful in this area because it repeatedly examines causation. Dependent origination is expressed through a basic principle: When particular conditions are present, other things arise; when those conditions cease, what depends upon them can also cease.

This way of thinking is valuable even outside its deeper Buddhist religious context. Instead of saying: “I am unhappy.” ask: What conditions repeatedly produce this unhappiness? Perhaps: expectation, comparison, resentment, attachment, a particular interpretation, a repeated relationship pattern, or a repeated behavioural reaction.

If the conditions remain unchanged, the pattern tends to reproduce itself. To change the outcome, investigate the conditions. That is much more useful than simply wishing for another result. 

Samsara as Repetition

Buddhism also uses the powerful image of saṃsāra — cyclic existence. There is something psychologically recognisable about this. We humans create our own smaller cycles. Someone hurts us. We become defensive. Our defensiveness hurts them. They respond aggressively. We become more defensive. They become more aggressive.

Then we say: “See? I knew this person was impossible.” The cycle proves its own assumptions. Or: I fear failure. Therefore I avoid trying. Because I do not try, I never develop competence. Because I lack competence, I fail when finally forced to act.

Then I say: “See? I knew I could not do it.” Again the cycle reinforces itself. To break the cycle, something in the sequence must change. 

Sometimes Change Begins With Interpretation

But there is something even subtler. Sometimes the external situation remains exactly the same. The other person has not changed. The event has not changed. The past cannot change. Yet our experience of it changes because our interpretation changes. This is extremely important. Suppose someone does not call you. You interpret it as: “He does not respect me.” You become angry. Later you discover that he was dealing with a family emergency.

The physical fact was always the same: He did not call. But the meaning changed. First interpretation: “He insulted me.” Second interpretation: “He was overwhelmed.” The event did not change. Your relationship with the event changed. And therefore the emotion changed. 

Epictetus — We Are Disturbed by Our Judgements

The Stoic philosopher Epictetus expressed this with extraordinary clarity: “Men are disturbed not by things, but by the views which they take of things.” This does not mean terrible events are imaginary. Pain is real. Injustice is real. Loss is real. Cruelty is real. The Stoic point is subtler. Between an event and our emotional response there is often an interpretation. Something happens. Then we tell ourselves what it means. Sometimes that interpretation is accurate. Sometimes incomplete. Sometimes exaggerated. Sometimes simply wrong. If we examine that interpretation, the experience itself may change. 

Modern Psychology Calls This Reappraisal

Modern psychology uses the term cognitive reappraisal for changing how a situation is interpreted in order to alter its emotional meaning. Research suggests that deliberately changing one's interpretation or taking a more distanced perspective can alter emotional responses, even though the underlying event itself has not changed.

This is important because there are situations you cannot change. The past cannot be rewritten. Another person's personality may not change. An old injury may remain. A disappointment may already have occurred. So ask: If I cannot change the event, can I change my relationship with the event?

Sometimes the answer is yes. That is also change. 

The Same Rain

Imagine two people looking through the window. It is raining heavily. The first says: “Terrible weather. My entire day is ruined.” The second says: “Good. The trees needed this.” The rain is identical. The interpretation is different. Now, of course, if you planned an outdoor wedding, the rain may genuinely create problems. I am not suggesting pretending circumstances have no consequences.

I am saying that the mind always participates in the experience. Sometimes by changing interpretation, we reduce unnecessary suffering even when the circumstance remains.  Do Not Use Perspective to Deny Reality There is an important warning here.

Changing perspective does not mean: “Everything is good.” That is foolish. If somebody abuses you, do not simply reinterpret abuse as love. If a business is failing, do not merely say: “I choose to see it positively.”

If evidence shows that something is dangerous, face the evidence. Reappraisal must not become denial. The purpose is not to invent a pleasant fantasy. The purpose is to ask: Is there another truthful way of understanding this?

That word truthful matters. 

Rumi's Elephant in the Dark

The Sufi poet Rumi tells a beautiful story in his Masnavi. An elephant is brought into a dark room. People enter, unable to see the whole animal. One touches the trunk. To him, the elephant seems like a pipe. Another touches the ear. He thinks it resembles a fan. Another touches the leg. He concludes that the elephant is like a pillar. Another touches the back and imagines something like a throne. Each person has encountered something real. But each mistakes the part for the whole. Rumi's version appears in Book III of the Masnavi.

I love this story because it explains many human disagreements. Perhaps both people possess part of the truth. But each believes his fragment is everything.  Change Your Position Around the Elephant When conflict occurs, therefore ask: Which part of the elephant am I touching? What does the other person see that I cannot see from my position?

This does not mean every viewpoint is correct. Some interpretations are better supported by reality than others. But humility begins when we realise: My perspective is a perspective. Not necessarily the whole world. Sometimes one step to the side changes everything. 

The Candle

Rumi's story has another beautiful implication. If light entered the room, the conflict would change. The elephant did not change. The observers did not need to defeat one another. What changed was illumination. Suddenly each fragment could be placed within a larger whole.

This is what knowledge can do. This is what dialogue can do. This is what reflection can do. This is what another person's perspective can do. Sometimes the solution is not: “Who wins?” It is: “Can we bring more light into the room?”

Nasruddin Looking for the Key

There is another famous story associated with the Sufi folk figure Mulla Nasruddin. Nasruddin is searching on the ground beneath a streetlamp. Someone asks what he has lost. “My key.” The person helps him search. After some time he asks: “Where exactly did you lose it?”

Nasruddin indicates somewhere else — in some versions, inside his house. “Then why are you searching here?” “Because the light is better here.” It is funny because it is absurd. But we do this constantly. 

We Search Where We Are Comfortable

Suppose the problem lies in our behaviour. But examining ourselves is uncomfortable. So we examine everybody else. The light is better there. “My boss is the problem.” “My wife is the problem.” “My husband is the problem.” “My children are the problem.” “My colleagues are the problem.” “The younger generation is the problem.” Perhaps sometimes they really are contributing to the problem. But ask: Where did I lose the key?

If the key is somewhere inside my own behaviour, I can spend twenty years searching beneath somebody else's streetlight and never find it. 

Familiar Solutions Are Comfortable

This Nasruddin story also explains why people keep repeating old methods. The familiar method is well lit. We understand it. We are comfortable there. The unfamiliar method is dark. So even when we know the answer is unlikely to be beneath the lamp, we continue searching there.

This is habit. “This is how our company has always done it.” “This is how my parents taught me.” “This is how I manage people.” “This is how I teach.” “This is how architecture should be done.” “This is how photography should be done.” Perhaps. But is the key actually there? That is the question.

Change Requires Entering Some Darkness

Real change is uncomfortable because the new method is not yet familiar. You do not know whether it will work. Your identity may feel uncertain. You may look foolish. You may be a beginner again. That is the darkness outside the streetlamp.

But sometimes that is exactly where the key is. Therefore: Do not search only where you already know how to search.

A Practical Method: Map the Pattern

When something repeatedly goes wrong, I suggest making a very simple map. Write: Trigger → Interpretation → Emotion → Action → Result

For example: My son disagrees with me. ↓ I interpret disagreement as disrespect. ↓ I become angry. ↓ I speak more forcefully. ↓ He withdraws. ↓ I interpret his withdrawal as further disrespect.

Now the cycle begins again. Once the pattern is visible, ask: Where can I intervene? Perhaps not at the trigger. Your son may still disagree. But perhaps the interpretation can change: “He is not necessarily disrespecting me. He may be becoming independent.” Now the emotion changes. Perhaps curiosity replaces anger. Then the action changes. “Tell me why you think differently.” Now the result may change. One changed interpretation altered the entire chain. 

Separate the Fact From the Story

This is one of the most useful practices I can give you. Take a piece of paper. Draw two columns. On one side write: FACT On the other: MY INTERPRETATION Example: Fact: “She did not reply to my message today.” Interpretation: “She is deliberately ignoring me.” These are not the same statement. Another: Fact: “My proposal was rejected.” Interpretation: “They think I am useless.” Again, not the same. Another: Fact: “My friend disagreed with me.” Interpretation: “He does not respect me.” Not necessarily.

Do this often enough and you will discover how much suffering can be produced not only by events, but by invisible stories we attach to them. 

Ask: What Else Could This Mean?

Whenever you feel strongly about something, ask: What are three other possible explanations? Do not force yourself to believe them. Simply generate possibilities. “He didn't call because he doesn't care.” Perhaps. Or: “He forgot.” “He was exhausted.” “He was dealing with something I know nothing about.” Suddenly certainty becomes possibility. And possibility creates space. Remember our earlier discussion: 留白. Do not fill the entire blank immediately with your first interpretation. Leave some white. 

Look Through the Other Person's Window

Another useful method: Imagine describing the situation completely from the other person's perspective. Not to prove that he is right. Simply to understand. If I were my wife, how would this conversation look?

If I were my son, what might I hear when I speak this way? If I were my employee, how would my instruction feel? If I were my client, what would worry me? If I were my opponent, what would I think I was defending? This exercise creates another window. You may still disagree afterwards. But now you disagree with more understanding. 

The Third-Person Method

Psychological research suggests that deliberately taking a more distanced, third-person perspective can reduce emotional intensity and sometimes introduce new information into how we understand an event. So imagine that the situation happened to somebody else. Instead of: “Why is this happening to me?” ask: “If my friend came to me describing exactly this situation, what would I advise him?” Often we suddenly become wiser.

Distance creates clarity.

We possess wisdom for other people that we sometimes cannot access for ourselves because we are standing too close to our own emotions. 

Change One Variable Another practical method is simple: Change one variable. If the same problem repeats, do not necessarily change everything simultaneously. If meetings repeatedly become arguments, try listening for five minutes longer before replying. If studying repeatedly fails, change the time of day. If writing repeatedly stalls, change the environment. If exercise repeatedly stops, shorten the session. If a business strategy fails, test another audience. If communication repeatedly breaks down, change your wording. Treat life sometimes as an experiment.

Change one element. Observe. Reflect. Then adjust again. That is much more intelligent than either stubborn repetition or chaotic change.  Ask a Different Question Sometimes the answer does not change because the question has not changed. Instead of: “Why does nobody understand me?” try: “How could I make myself easier to understand?” Instead of: “Why doesn't my son listen?” try: “What makes him stop listening when I speak?” Instead of: “Why can't I concentrate?” ask: “What repeatedly interrupts my concentration?” Instead of: “Why am I unlucky?” ask: “What opportunities am I currently unable to see?” Different questions illuminate different parts of the room. Questions determine where the mind searches. 

Reverse the Assumption

Another method: Take your strongest assumption and temporarily reverse it. Suppose you believe: “My colleague is incompetent.” Ask: “What if he is competent but understands the problem differently?” You do not have to accept the reversed statement. You are using it as an intellectual tool. Or: “This project failed because nobody supported me.”

Reverse it: “What if the idea itself was not sufficiently convincing?” Again, perhaps the first explanation was correct. But the reversal forces the mind out of its habitual groove.  Ask What You Are Protecting Whenever change feels unusually difficult, ask: What am I protecting? My pride? My status? My image? My comfort? My identity? My fear of appearing inexperienced? Sometimes we resist change not because the old method is good.

We resist because changing would require admitting: “I was wrong.” That can be painful. But being wrong for one day is often cheaper than defending the wrong position for twenty years. 

Experiment Small

Do not make every change enormous. You do not need to declare: “From tomorrow I will become a completely different person.” Usually that fails. Make a small experiment. For one week: I will listen before interrupting.

For one week: I will write every morning. For one week: I will not answer an angry message immediately. For one week: I will ask one additional question before giving advice. For one week: I will try another route. Then observe. Small changes generate information. Information allows better changes. 

The Twenty-Four-Hour Rule

When emotion is very strong, sometimes the best change is simply time. If something does not require immediate response, allow twenty-four hours. Write the angry letter. Do not send it. Read it tomorrow. Very often the mind changes overnight. The event remains. But the internal weather has changed. A different interpretation becomes possible. This is another example of changing conditions before acting.

Record Recurring Problems

If something happens repeatedly, write it down. You may believe: “This always happens.” But memory is unreliable. Record: What happened? What preceded it? What did I think? What did I feel? What did I do? What happened afterwards?

After ten examples, patterns become clearer. Now reflection becomes evidence rather than vague impression. Perhaps the real trigger is fatigue. Perhaps alcohol. Perhaps money. Perhaps one particular environment. Perhaps fear of criticism. Perhaps a certain time pressure. Once you see the pattern, change becomes more precise. 

Ask Someone Who Disagrees With You

This requires courage. Ask someone you trust: “What do you think I keep doing that contributes to this problem?” Then listen. Do not immediately explain yourself. You may disagree later. But first listen. Sometimes another person can see our repeated pattern because he is standing outside it.

We are inside the maze. He can see part of the map. 

Do Not Demand That the Other Person Change First

This may be one of the greatest traps in relationships. “I will become kinder when she becomes kinder.” “I will listen when he learns to listen.” “I will stop shouting when he stops irritating me.” Then both parties wait. Nothing changes. Sometimes you have to ask:

What can I change on my side of the relationship, regardless of whether the other person changes immediately? Perhaps only ten per cent of the problem belongs to you. Fine. Work on your ten per cent. It is the part you can actually touch. Sometimes that ten per cent alters the dynamics sufficiently that the other person's behaviour also changes. Sometimes it does not. But you have still improved the part that belongs to you.

Change Your Relationship With What Cannot Be Changed

There will also be circumstances that cannot be corrected. Someone has died. The past has happened. A mistake cannot be undone. Another person refuses to change.

Your body has aged. An opportunity has passed. Then repeating: “This should not have happened” does not alter reality. Perhaps the change now required is not external action. Perhaps it is acceptance. Acceptance does not mean approval. It means recognising: This is now part of reality. How shall I live from here? This is another kind of courage. 

The River Again

Think again of our river. The river has direction. But its route changes according to conditions. Sometimes it bends. Sometimes it cuts a new channel. Sometimes it goes around the obstacle. Sometimes it waits behind a barrier until conditions change. It does not insist: “I have always flowed here.”

This is why flow is connected to change. If you keep meeting the same rock in exactly the same way, perhaps stop proving how hard the rock is. Look around. Is there another opening? 

Discipline Must Not Become Rigidity

This also modifies what I said earlier about discipline. Discipline is extremely important. But discipline without reflection can become stubbornness. Suppose you practise the wrong technique every day. Your discipline may make you exceptionally good at the wrong technique. So the real sequence should be: Discipline → Observation → Feedback → Adjustment → Discipline again. Discipline gives continuity. Reflection corrects direction. Flow allows adaptation. Together they create progress.

 Focus Must Not Become Tunnel Vision

The same is true of focus. Focus is powerful. But if you focus only upon one explanation, you may become blind to everything else. Rumi's people in the dark were extremely focused on the part of the elephant they touched. Their problem was not lack of concentration. Their problem was incomplete perspective.

So occasionally: step back. Turn on the light. Ask another person. Look at the whole elephant. Focus gives depth. Perspective gives context. We need both. 

Learning Requires Unlearning

Continuous learning also includes unlearning. This is difficult. Learning something new feels like addition. Unlearning requires removing something that has become familiar. Perhaps you learnt: “A strong man never apologises.” Later you discover that apology can require enormous strength.

Perhaps you learnt: “Authority means always having the answer.” Later you discover that good leadership sometimes says: “I don't know. What do you think?” Perhaps you learnt: “Success means never changing direction.” Later you discover that successful people often change methods precisely because they remain committed to their deeper purpose.

Therefore learning is sometimes: adding. Sometimes: correcting. Sometimes: discarding. 

Do Not Become Loyal to Your Mistakes

You are not required to remain loyal to a belief merely because you held it for thirty years. You are not dishonouring your younger self by becoming wiser. Your younger self used the information available at that time. Your present self has more experience. Allow understanding to evolve. Respect your past. Do not become imprisoned by it. 

The Courage to Say “I Was Wrong”

There are three words that can save enormous amounts of time: “I was wrong.” Not: “I am worthless.” Not: “Everything I believe is wrong.” Simply: “I was wrong about this.” Now the door opens. You can learn. The refusal to admit error keeps the mind trapped inside the old circle. Acknowledgement turns the circle into a spiral.

Sometimes the Better Change Is Smaller Than You Think

You may not need to change your whole life. Perhaps change your sleeping time. Change one sentence. Change one expectation. Change one habit. Change one assumption. Change who you ask for advice. Change the order in which you do things. Change where you sit. Change the way you frame the problem.

Small changes can alter larger systems. Never underestimate leverage. 

Sometimes You Must Change the Environment

But sometimes internal change is insufficient. Remember: 天时 · 地利 · 人和. Perhaps you are repeatedly failing because you are in the wrong environment. A plant can be perfectly healthy and still struggle in unsuitable soil. Do not always blame the plant. Perhaps: change job. change team. change neighbourhood. change teacher. change method. change collaborators. change the social environment. Self-reflection is important.

But do not use self-reflection to blame yourself for every dysfunctional situation. Sometimes the room itself is unhealthy. Leave the room. 

Wisdom Is Knowing What Kind of Change Is Required

This is perhaps the hardest part. Sometimes change yourself. Sometimes change the environment. Sometimes change the method. Sometimes change the people around you. Sometimes change the timing. Sometimes change the objective. Sometimes change only the interpretation.

And sometimes — after careful examination — change nothing. Perhaps the current course is already correct and simply requires patience. Therefore the principle is not: “Always change.” It is: “Never allow habit alone to decide that nothing should change.” 

A Practice for Every Evening

This brings us back to contemplation and reflection. At night, if something troubled you during the day, ask: 

1. What actually happened? Separate fact from interpretation. 

2. What did I think it meant? Identify the story. 

3. What emotion followed? Anger? Fear? Shame? Jealousy?

4. What did I do? What was my response? 

5. What result did my response produce? Did it improve anything?

6. Have I seen this pattern before? If yes, pay attention.

7. What could I change next time? Method? Words? Timing? Environment? Perspective?

8. What might the other person have seen? Touch another part of the elephant.

9. What if my interpretation is only partly correct? Leave some space.

10. What will I try differently when the situation returns? Now the reflection becomes preparation.

When the Problem Returns, Be Ready

The same situation will often come again. That is your opportunity. Previously you shouted immediately. This time pause. Previously you assumed insult. This time ask. Previously you gave up. This time continue for another ten minutes. Previously you said yes automatically. This time consider.

Previously you controlled everything. This time leave some space. Now you are practising change. Understanding alone is not enough. There must eventually be behaviour. 

Do Not Expect Instant Transformation

Old habits have momentum. You may understand the problem intellectually and still repeat it tomorrow. Do not become discouraged. Awareness usually comes before mastery. First you recognise the mistake afterwards. Then during it. Eventually just before it. Finally, sometimes, you choose differently.

That is development. The gap between trigger and reaction gradually becomes larger. Inside that gap lives choice. 

From Reaction to Response

This is perhaps one of the signs of maturity. Young habits react. Cultivated awareness responds. Reaction is immediate. Response contains a moment of space. Something happens. You notice what is arising. You do not immediately obey it.

You choose. This is exactly where our earlier principles meet: Space creates the gap. Reflection provides understanding. Focus notices what is happening. Discipline allows another response to be practised. Flow allows adaptation. 

Search Where the Key Was Lost

So remember Nasruddin. Do not spend your entire life beneath the streetlamp merely because the light is comfortable there. Ask: Where was the key actually lost? If the problem lies in communication, examine communication. If the problem lies in pride, examine pride. If it lies in fear, examine fear. If it lies in the environment, examine the environment. If it lies in an old assumption, examine the assumption. Look where the answer is likely to be. Not merely where looking is easiest. 

Bring a Candle Into the Dark Room

Remember Rumi's elephant. You may possess a piece of truth. The other person may possess another piece. Do not immediately conclude that difference means stupidity. Bring more light. Ask questions. Gather evidence. Move position. Listen. The elephant may be much larger than either of you imagined. 

At an Impasse, Change

Remember the Book of Changes: 「窮則變，變則通，通則久。」 When the old course reaches its limit, change creates passage. Remember Confucius: 「過而不改，是謂過矣。」 The deeper mistake is refusing to correct the mistake. Remember Epictetus: Events and our judgements about events are not identical. And remember the Buddhist insight: Conditions give rise to consequences. If a cycle repeatedly produces suffering, examine the conditions sustaining the cycle. 

Turn the Circle Into a Spiral

This is the image I want you to remember most. You will repeat things. You will revisit old questions. You will make some mistakes more than once. You will encounter the same aspects of your character again. Do not be ashamed of this. But each time you return, try to return with something. A little more understanding. A little less arrogance. A different perspective. A better question. A new technique. A little more compassion. Then the circle gradually becomes a spiral. 

What I Hope You Will Remember

To my descendants, Never say too quickly: “This is just who I am.” Say instead: “This is how I have behaved until now.” There is possibility inside the second sentence. When a result repeatedly disappoints you, stop blaming the result long enough to examine the pattern producing it. Ask: What am I repeating? What am I assuming? What am I protecting? What am I refusing to see? Where am I searching simply because the light is better there? Which part of the elephant have I mistaken for the whole? What could I change? And sometimes: What could I simply understand differently?

Remember that changing perspective is not pretending reality is different. It is allowing reality to be seen from more than one window. Sometimes nothing outside changes. The same rain falls. The same person remains. The same history exists. Yet resentment disappears because understanding has changed. That is also transformation. So do not merely demand that the world become different. Learn to ask whether you can encounter the world differently. Sometimes change the situation. Sometimes change the method. Sometimes change yourself. Sometimes change the environment. Sometimes change your expectation. Sometimes change the story.

And sometimes leave things exactly as they are because, after careful examination, they do not need changing. But make these decisions consciously. Do not let habit decide everything for you. Repeat what works.
Reflect upon what does not.
Change what needs changing.
Accept what cannot be changed.
Reinterpret what you have misunderstood.
Return to old questions with new eyes. And when you find yourself arriving at the same unwanted destination again and again, remember: Do not merely curse the destination.
Examine the road you keep choosing. Perhaps another road exists. Perhaps another interpretation exists. Perhaps another way of speaking exists. Perhaps another version of yourself is already possible. Then move. Not in another circle.

But upward. Around again — but wiser.
Around again — but calmer.
Around again — but seeing more. That is the spiral. And perhaps that is one of the truest forms of growth.